Single Mums Having Problems With Sons
Q.
"I am a single mother with three children; Caitlin 7, Tom 9, and
Liam 11. While Cait is fine, the two boys are causing me problems.
Tom behaves well in school, but has learning difficulties. After
school though, he turns into a monster, and throws temper tantrums.
Liam is rude, not affectionate and just generally hates me. His dad
never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I'm going crazy
and want to know what I'm doing wrong."
A. I'm sorry you're having problems with them. We all expect
parenting to be fun and rewarding, at least most of the time.
First of all, blaming yourself will get you nowhere. Like the rest
of us, you have probably made loads of bad decisions in the past. So
what? The question is where do you go from here to make the best of
what you have at present.
Your daughter is doing well - so you must be doing something right
as a mum!
It's also great that one of your sons is doing well at school. It's
encouraging that he can work there, even with learning problems. You
should definitely check in with his school, though, and find out how
hard it is for him. It could be that he brings all his troubles home
where he can vent his frustrations.
Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. It is very
difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for
the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since
there is no ongoing rejection involved. Obviously there is not much
you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact
about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticize him - if you
do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's "
side instead of his. If you criticize him, your son will rush to
defend him, after all, he is his dad.
Remember that you cannot change the children. You can only change
yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make
life more peaceful for yourself? Surprisingly, if you can find ways
to be more positive yourself, it will probably result in the kids
also being more positive. Conversely, if you always do what you've
always done, you will always get what you've always got.
The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your
children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how
you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don't
think about what you don's want and don't keep worrying. Imagine all
the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in
baby steps, so you won't be completely happy overnight. Just keep
making small advances and know that how you're living now takes a
lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as
you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.
If you
could do with some tips about your children's behaviors, take a look
at Dr. Noel Swanson's excellent website, http://www.good-child-guide.com.
And get his free
parenting
newsletter
it's packed with free advice.
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